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Two weeks ago, I exposed the “Top Ten Bad Tech Predictions for 2009” — predictions made a year ago that turned out to be, well, less-than-true.
These brave prognosticators aren’t the only ones who can make bad predictions. Behold! My 20 Bad Predictions for 2010!:
1. Apple will change the name of the “iPod Touch” to the “iTouch,” because everyone calls it that anyway. The new tagline for the “iTouch,” will be: “Just like an iPhone, but without AT&T!”
2. Apple will name its new tablet, the “iTouch Me.” It will be just like an iPhone in every way, but more so. The tablet will feature a 10-inch screen, hold 600 gigabytes of data and get 20 minutes of battery life.
3. Windows 7 will be hammered by so many viruses, Trojans and malware that Microsoft will issue a patch that turns Windows 7 back into Windows Vista. Users will hate it, but so will malware authors, and it will become the most secure operating system in history.
4. Facebook will kill everything. In 2009, Facebook servers processed a whopping 25 terabytes of data per day, mostly pictures. As photo file sizes get larger (due to ever larger pixel counts in digital cameras), and users get both more numerous and active, Facebook will be hit with so much data that a space-time singularity will spontaneously occur that swallows the universe.
5. The number of iPhone apps will exceed the number of iPhone users. The best-selling app will be one that deletes apps.
6. The number of Android phones will exceed the number of Android users.
7. The number of Palm phones will also exceed the number of Palm phone users. Unfortunately, Palm will have only two phones.
8. Google will acquire Iceland and turn the island into a data center to be renamed “Googland.” Because of the financial crisis, Iceland will decide to sell for an undisclosed stock swap and a promise of employment for Iceland’s 22 software engineers. Google will find the island an ideal location because glaciers will help cool overheating server rooms. And because everything in Iceland is already bright blue, green and purple, Google won’t even have to re-decorate!
9. Amazon will announce that it has sold only 3,000 Kindle eBook readers, mostly to book publishing executives concerned about the future of their industry.
10. First came blogging. Then microblogging. Then lifelogging. What’s next for 2010? “Life-flogging!” After talentless celebrity Kim Kardashian revealed this month that she gets paid $10,000 per tweet to hawk various products on Twitter, everyone will try to get in on the act. The value of each paid tweet will fall below one penny, but users will make it up on volume.
11. The biggest selling Xbox game will be Tiger Woods PGA Tour 11. The title will offer a “Mature” mode where you drive an Escalade around in a gated community trying to pick up as many porn stars as possible while Tiger’s angry wife chases you with a 9 iron.
12. Yahoo will shut down 30 more sites, and each one will be met with a collective “Wow. That’s cool. I’d have used that service had I known about it….”
13. The Onion web site will become the most reliable and trusted source of news, overtaking The Daily Show with John Stewart.
14. The Iranian government will be overthrown, and replaced by the most democratic system in history. All decisions will be voted on directly via Twitter. Ashton Kutcher will be elected Supreme Leader.
15. The E.U. will levy hefty fines on Google, Apple, Intel, just for being American companies.
16. Facebook will acquire MySpace for a sack of glass beads and six jugs of fire-water. The service will be re-named FaceSpace after executives learn that the MyFace.com domain is already owned by CNN’s Anderson Cooper.
17. The government will finally pass a healthcare bill, and it will be so costly and full of compromises that it will make everyone sick.
18. China will reveal that for the past 10 years, the government has been run not by the Chinese Communist Party, but by a cheap, counterfeit copy of the party made in a factory in Shenzhen.
19. The box-office success of “Avatar” will be so great that the movie will spawn an industry of prescription 3-D glasses and 3-D contact lenses.
20. By July 12, every Twitter user will be a social media guru.
